Learn Here is a handy list for all of the men out there who have absolutely no idea what they are doing in a relationship. Also this list is for those who have no clue what a woman actually means when she says:

Fine.
This word is used to end an argument, when they are right and you need to shut up.

in Five or Ten Minutes.
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour if you are lucky.

If she says this while you are watching the game then you have just been given a 5 or 10 warning before you’ll be helping her around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means “Everything” and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine”.

Go Ahead.
Think Dirty Harry. This is a dare, not permission, Don’t Do It!

Books that are changing everything

What does your friend do for a living?
You can’t get IT, but he sure can.

Whatever.
Basic fuck you. This is usually said when it is time for your argument to go away.

I’ll do it today
This means that she has until tomorrow.

Whatever you want to do, honey.
This means that you get to choose, but choose her suggestions, so that she can enjoy herself as well.

That’s Okay.
It’s not okay and you will pay for this later. If this is said in bed then she’s consoling you because you Can’t Finish.

Can you do this for me?
Sounds like you have an option, you don’t.

Nevermind
Whenever this word is used it indicates that she is frustrated that you are not seeing her viewpoint.

I’m fine.
If she responds to one of your questions, with an “I’m fine”, it usually means that she’s not and you may need to rectify the problem.

I’m not ready for a commitment.
At least not with You.

Do what you want.
And you’ll pay for it later.

I want to have sex
We had a great evening. I am really feeling you. I want to be closer to you. Loosely translated- I’m Horny.

We need to do something with this kitchen.
I want a new house.

Do you like this recipe?
I hope so because it was easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.

I’m not yelling.
Yes I am yelling.

I’m just going to stay at home and relax
So you’d better find somewhere else to be.

I think you’re adorable.
Sorry fellas but this means you are in the “Friend Zone” and that is where you’ll stay. Forget about whatever you thought was happening, it’s not going to work out. You are just a friend.

I like you.
While this sounds like an easy statement to comprehend, it is usually interpreted as ‘I’m still feeling you out’.  But saying “I like you” doesn’t mean ‘I’m ready for a commitment’. Loosely interpreted “right now you are on my good side”.

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by many men.  This means that she thinks that you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over “Nothing”.

SighRoll
From my new book It Ain’t Just The Size. This is an eye roll with a sigh. Highly Dangerous. This is used as a final warning because you have ignored other advanced warnings to leave her alone, see “stop talkin’ to me fucker look”.

Stop talkin’ to me Fucker Look.
A look that is Self Explanatory

Tapping of the Foot and or Finger nails against hard surfaces.

You have gotten on her nerves and you need to stop now.

Thanks.
Fellas TRY NOT to read too much into this one and just say you’re welcome.

I hope this list helps you out, because we all know that some of you really need the help.

Learn ManSpeak

The Man Rules

Some people felt that I was being too hard, or one-sided with my post The Man Rules. Here I have decided to decode some common phrases that men use when speaking to women. I wrote this to give women some much needed insight into ManSpeak. This list is in no particular order.

I don’t want a serious relationship right now.
This is relative to mental age. If he’s a “youngin” then he’s just setting you up for the booty call. If he has sense then he means I ONLY WANT A RELATIONSHIP with a woman who already has her act together, which most likely isn’t you… which is why he’s telling you this.

I want an independent woman.
This also depends on mental age. If he’s a “youngin” then most likely he’s just saying that because it sounds good, he thinks you want to hear this or he’s gauging your response. If he has sense then he means that he wants a woman who doesn’t get upset about petty things and who knows how to keep her head when things get tough or confusing.

Hello/ Hi/What’s up?
Do you want to sleep with me?

You want me to come over?
If I come over are we going to have sex?

I’m a virgin.
I am a virgin, as far as you know.

I’ve been celibate for 3 years.
I’ve been celibate for “3” weeks and I didn’t mean to write that in months.

I don’t like that.
Really, I don’t like that!

I don’t want any (more) children.

I really don’t want any(more) children!

Books that are changing everything

Times are tough.
This statement has a few meanings. It could mean that I date a lot so I wont have enough to take you out. Or that I have multiple children that I have to support so I wont have enough to take you out. Or a combination of the two. Either way he’s not trying to pay.

I’m a rapper.
I am unemployed.

Announcing that he has Washed the clothes/Cleaned/Took out the trash.
Foreplay is now over.

I had to leave my ‘ex’ she couldn’t handle a real man.
I got dumped, and I cried about it in the car.

I’m an author.
I’m broke, but I’ve got skills.

Would you mind if I poured you some wine?

I have no idea what I am doing, but I’m trying really hard.

I cleaned the whole house.
I tidied up a bit.

Hello baby/dear/honey/darling/love.
Do you want to sleep with me again?

Nice shoes/dress.
Do I have any chance of having sex with you? (I mean really what the hell does he know about fashion)

She’s cool as hell.
She is exactly what I have been looking for.

I like women who are physical and affectionate.
I like to be touched, but don’t go overboard.

I need to be alone right now.
I want a woman who will make me FEEL better when I’m with her than I do in my everyday life as a single man and since you’re not her…bounce.

Can I call you?
Let me present my resume and you can determine if I can have sex with you?

You ain’t gonna give a brother your number?
Please, don’t embarrass me in front of all these people.

Good Morning.
Is it too early to see if I have a shot?

Hey “derogatory word”!
I have no clue how to speak, act or treat a woman, but do I still have a shot?

I’ve got to get up early in the morning.
This is often uttered when it is pretty clear that sex is going to go down, so I am setting up my exit strategy, so that I don’t have to sleep over.

I’ve got somewhere to go.
I have nowhere to go, but I rather be somewhere else or be with someone else.

I appreciate it.
Ladies don’t get it twisted this was hard for him to say so believe that it is sincere.

Now remember this list is a generalization and does not necessarily apply to “your” man, but it might. On a side note: if you are flirting with us, even in the least of possible ways, the possibility of having sex with you will be entertained, so don’t get upset when you are the one flirting with us.

The Man Rules The Woman Rules

For those that need some help, here is a list of rules to live by. Finally a guy has taken some painstaking time to write these Man Rules down. Why you ask? We all need a better understanding, so without further ado this is the male’s perspective.

1. First and Foremost Men are NOT mind readers

Subtle hints do not work, Strong hints do not work, Obvious hints do not work. Just tell us what you want already.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.

We are both adults. If it’s up, put it down. You need it down, we need it up. You don ‘t hear us complaining about you leaving it down. And besides quiet as kept some of us spray, or have pretty poor aim…

1. Sunday sports, It’s like the full moon.

It’s something you have to take in, so let it be. If you don’t then Saturday may also be a Full Moon.

1. Crying is blackmail.

We don’t like it and never will.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

And so are mono-slavic grunts.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it

We may not be good at it but that’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Oral sex will only used to get out of the dog house.

Books that are changing everything

1. We don’t remember dates.

Write them down. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. And it is not because we don’t care as much as you do, so don’t even say it.

1. A headache that lasts longer that 2 months is a medical problem

See a doctor.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together

No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in the argument we are having now.

Most comments that we make become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat.

Don ‘t ask us.  Obviously we love you or we wouldn’t be with you, duh.

1. If we said something that could be interpreted in two ways and one of those ways makes you sad or angry.

Then we meant the other way.

1. Either you can ask us to do something or you can tell us how you want it done. Not both.

If you already know best how to do it, do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

We only pretend to watch those anyway, sorry beer companies.

1. We men see in only 16 colors.

Peach, for example is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.  Champagne you drink, and we have no idea what seafoam is. And don’t get us started on pastels.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”.

That’s exactly how we will act. We know something is wrong, it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don ‘t want an answer to.

Expect an answer you don ‘t want to hear .

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Seriously.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics such as,

Sports or Sex.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.


Yes, these are all numbered one on purpose and yes fellas I know that if you re-post, comment, link or tag this list you most likely will have to sleep on the couch, ladies we really don’t mind the couch all that much. As a side note Ladies, see the rules for getting out of the dog house.