Why I Am Gay

My mother and father used to argue and fight a lot, so one day he left us.

My mother got so caught up chasing after

no good,

no account negroes

that she completely forgot about me.

I grew up really wanting her love,

wanting her to love me.

I never got it.

I remember it started long before freeze-tag. I always like to  put on

my mothers shoes.

You remember the Road Runner Show, the one with Wile. E. Coyote–

well that’s all I was thinking about.

I wasn’t even thinking about “hide-n-go-get-it”,

when these so-called men started touching on me.

The whole time they were doing these things to me they were telling

me that it was love,

that it was right.

“If you don’t do it, I’m ah tell your mother.”

I learned and was told shit that I shouldn’t have known or done until

I was grown.

I tried to tell some family members, but they didn’t want to talk about it.

It was like I deserved it,

like I asked for it.

So I grew up afraid.

I hit puberty and my feelings of love for my mother turned sexual.

And all of a sudden

I was attracted to her,

her,

and her,

but anger is what made me perpetuate it.

Somewhere along the line a part of me liked the feelings the sex brought.

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Momma Cried and Wouldn’t Stop Crying

There is a Santa Claus because momma cried and wouldn’t stop crying. When we couldn’t pay our bills and we got put out that, Christmas momma cried momma and wouldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t even our house it was Grandma’s and I tried. I tried to be to be good, but I was just a kid full of questions and momma cried and wouldn’t stop crying. That winter was the first time I wondered about my skin color because Grandma made us watch Roots.

It wasn’t so bad because my cousins were there, but it still didn’t feel like home. My brother and sister didn’t know why daddy left and momma cried and wouldn’t stop crying. Momma tucked me in with smile, but I heard her leave that night. When I ran down the stairs in the morning I saw my name on some gifts. I ripped them open. I can remember having G.I. Joe in my hand; it was just when the Classic Collection came out. And I asked momma how did Santa Clause find me? And momma cried and wouldn’t stop crying…

MG Hardie

(After dinner Lance walks Princess to her car)

Lance– Sometimes my passion brings fire, but no warmth.  I have been thinking about, telling you that I feel like everything I do just isn’t enough and that maybe I’d be better off dead. And I know I get too deep for some, but I also know that what’s said needed to be said.

Princess– [Softly] Say it then.

Lance– You know how many nights I have spent alone.

How many days I have felt like giving up, getting gone.

Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my grip.

Tired of being the villain, and I got this chip… right here on my shoulder.

I laugh only to keep from crying, but you know what I don’t get.

Is how come you are the last piece of the puzzle, but I still don’t fit.

And I need a prescription cause I be on caps lock all day, ready to take off and just fly away…

Princess-Take me with you.

Lance– For now I live between death and success.

On the corner of fear and no regret.

I long for someone who revels in my strengths and accepts my faults.

I have found myself, but sometimes I still get lost

in your eyes, I drown.

You know my life story, my history, I love it when you around.

I feel so awkward when I hug you, because it seems like home to me.

I can feel your heart beat, like it is the same one within me.

My life, my soul and sometimes, sometimes, at night I want to cry,

but I can’t.

So even when the day is dark you are my only light.

MG Hardie

See more hidden poetry in It Ain’t Just the Size available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and everywhere books are sold.

I Have Traveled the World

I have seen the sea change from morning to night. I have seen the most amazing creatures. My craft has been chauffeured by dolphins.

I have witnessed Shearwater birds swim 60 feet underwater and then take off and fly through the sky. I have seen creatures in the waves that defy explaining. I have won battles by just showing up. I have played Smiles in the Philippines and silently viewed

the Coral Triangle.

I have played games in the vastness of the undulating nothing. Took leave in Kuwait and

saw Octopi with fins in miles upon miles of quiet, solitude. Experienced the ruggedness of

the Azores,

the cold of Ellesmere,

the isolation of Tristan da Cunha.

Places were birds seem to soar for weeks and volcanoes taller than Everest rise from the ocean bed, but still far from the suns power.

Their eruptions shake the planet, heat the water and cause the winds of the Earth to circulate. I have inhaled salt air, marveled at shoals of fish. I have traveled and through drills, tours, and practices I have paid enough attention to know that the ocean and the sky

are but inverted and that I don’t walk but I am one of the many creatures that swim through air. Oh, I’ve been places, and there are two things I have learned. One is that I have no answers and Two I am most at home right here on this couch.

MG Hardie

The wrench old, rusty, brown
It was about the size of an adult’s forearm
(clinch fist included).
It was a magnificent tool intended originally
for work on aircraft, or boat screws of an over-sized nature.
But in my father’s hand the wrench was his scepter…
A scepter of power.
An intimidating disciplinary instrument
That produced hollow thuds upon impact
follow by unusually large knots, rivers of tears
and animosity.
The scepter could not be argued with
It lost childhood,
It lost:
The time he took me to the hospital when my
pajamas caught on fire.
The time he left work early when I fell through
glass and needed stitches.
The time he taught me how to throw a curve ball.

I wondered was it my fault?
Something I did?
To make father beat his first kid.
Now, it is hard to focus.
Instead of an aged man sitting in his la-z-boy,
for me there is just a hole, a black void
Bellowing smoke from a pipe.

MG Hardie ©

The concert begins

on wood, dirt, blacktop, concrete

even packed snow.

Participants come in all shapes,

sizes and colors.

From all walks of life they come,

They come to show their affection,

Their love.

Do You have the love?

Center stage is 96′ by 50′

The performers are chosen

and take their places.

All eyes follow the orange sphere.

Running, spinning, leaping

Grunting, sweating, passing

Execution, chants, shouts

Breakaway! Explosive.

Timeout…

Do you have the Love?

Offense is Learned,

Defense is pure hard work

Can you feel the ebb?

The flow?

The Momentum of game one

with 81 more to go.

Old, New, Schooled

Post up, cross over

Black Mamba take over

Pull up jumper,

Power, Finesse.

The score is tied, 16 seconds left,

can’t rest.

Slam, Bank, Luck, Skill

Inside, Outside

Block, Steal

Cheers rain down from the sky

Cameras flash from nowhere,

Posterize.

Do You have the Love?

Penetrate, fake, jab step

hang time, pass dish

don’t foul, rebound,

fast break, barely miss.

Half court trap, or full court press?

Triangle, Isolation… Wrong guess.

Step back Three silence

…swish.

Beautiful.

I Love This Game.

MG Hardie © 2010

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I am Daddy, overworked and under appreciated.
The one who let's you sleep late on Saturday and got your
 hair braided.
I am the homework harasser, face washer, with a little twist of bath.
I am the one you told new jokes too, just to see if I would laugh.
I am the one who helped you with History and introduced you to
  relatives you never knew.
And I am the one who spanked you when you filled your aunties
  eye with glue.
I am Daddy, I leave ideas out there for you, to linger.
I am the one who takes care of you when you are sick
  and bandage fingers.
I am the one with little to no income,
 but of every crumb I have, you've had some.
I am the one who lost arguments just to save face.
I am the one who told you not to play so much
  and how to say Grace.
I am the one always pushing, challenging you to do your best.
I taught you how to read, ride a bike, and how to play chess.
I am Daddy, killer of spiders and builder of tents.
I am the one who taught you the difference between
  two nickels and ten cents.
I am the one who showed you how to go to bed without
  any light.
Without me your shoes would slip off because they wouldn't
  be tied tight.
I am Daddy discipliner extraordinaire, the one you told about your
  fears and dreams.
The who who told you that you're not as slick as you think
  and that things aren't as bad as they seem.
I am Daddy... And I love you.