humor


I was going to marry the mother of my daughter.

I was working a regular nine to five.

I had just got promoted to supervisor and everything.

I came home early one day and there she was, smashing the homie.

The whole time I was fucking dude up, she was saying

“you’re always working!”,

“you’re never home!”

While I was choking old dude I kept thinking “that bitch just didn’t love me!”

I was hurting him, because it was hurting me.

When I was in county jail, she kept visiting me saying “I’m sorry”, this that and the third.

She even told me how much she really needed me.

When I got out I went over to her house and there she was,

pregnant by this other dude and he was kicking her ass and shit.

It almost made the GPS bracket worth wearing.

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Penis Envy

You haven’t wondered what it would be like if you had one?

You have never marveled at how fast it grows?

You never thought about being wrapped in heat, thrust deep?

You would wonder what length it would be if you had one

and if that’s the spot,

You would know why you have to act confident,

even when you’ve undershot.

You would wonder why it hangs a little to the left

and why penetration at odd times produces a bass clef.

You would silently question why you have to put it away

and why it wants to; at times when you can’t play.

You would know why it needs someone else’s touch

and be left thinking why such a big part of you, really isn’t all that much.

I bet you would wonder where to put it next

and, you would wonder if that last stoke was your best.

You would wonder why cold water make it shrink

and, why it always seems to know exactly what you think.

You would know that in the cold, its partners pull in tight

and you would wonder why you can’t do any damage,

even when you using all your might.

And why sometimes you have to walk with a limp

and, you would know the reasons you just can’t fuck with the tip.

And just when you think enough has been said

You will sit back and just marvel at the shaft or maybe the head.

You don’t have to admit it,

but you had to wondered if a moaning, groaning,

heart beating, blood surging,

skin stretching, teeth gritting,

hand gripping, muscle tightening,

knee weakening, body jerking,

rock hard, throbbing

climax could even come close to a woman’s multiple orgasm?

 

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I know this is not how I usually start off your day. I know you were expecting me to hit you with a provocative question, a poem , philosophy or book updates, but for the last few days something has been eating at me, and I just feel that I have to share this story with you, so please read on.

On Sunday me and the fellas played basketball, after the game one of my homeboys said that he would come by my house later that night. I said “No Problem.” So later on he calls me and says ‘We are on our way’, apparently he is bringing someone with him. He arrives at my house with two ladies and I was like “okkaaay.” I went into the kitchen to finish washing dishes, all of a sudden I heard screams coming from my living room. I run into the living room and my couch is just screaming “GET UP, GET UP!”  All I could think was ‘aawww damn, my couch!’ I asked the young lady if she would rather sit on my other couch, thinking that I might be able to save my couch, or perhaps the wood plank was only fractured and not broken. She declined to relocate. In hindsight I am sort of glad that she didn’t move Lord knows what else she could have broken.

My tone and facial reaction to the occurrence prompted everyone to laugh, so I played it off like everything was cool, but my night was ruined. The Grammys happened to be on and I couldn’t even enjoy the Michael Jackson tribute, needless to say I was glad when they left. In the light of day I could see that my five month old couch was at the very least dented, but upon further examination the wood plank had been broken.

Explicative!

Explicative! She must have flopped her largeness on my couch and that is what had killed it. I won’t go into detail, but I’ve done all kinds of things on that couch and it had never made a peep. Generally when there is too much mass accumulated in one human, that human is called fat. Ladies lets be clear I’m not calling her fat, my couch is calling her fat. Basically she is a trashcan. That sound we all heard when she sat down told her ‘Don’t sit here. Please move’, I mean really if that isn’t a hint and a half for you. Needless to say I will be rearranging furniture this weekend.

Oh how we love the cookie.

We love mini cookies even the big cookies.

Devouring handfuls of the make you fat cookies,

and those late night snack cookies.

We love the hard, the soft and the hot-to-the-touch cookie.

The regional, seasonal, “thank you very much” cookie.

And the cookies that cost,

Cookies you don’t touch, just floss.

We love the textured, smooth and over dressed cookies.

The prim, proper and “won’t settle for less” cookie.

The ice cream, strawberries and chocolate you add to the cookie to make it sing to our soul,

Just so you know, those are the cookies that we want to keep whole.

Paired cookies, shared cookies, multi-layered cookies.

Cookies you eat fast, cookies you eat slow.

The every-ready cookie for the grab and go.

The “make you hit the floor” cookie.

The “I just had some, but I still want some more” cookie.

The fluffy cookie, the “never get enough” cookie.

Sprinkled with sugar cookies

and the exotic spicy cookie that evoke.

The Rich cookies who don’t like cookies that are broke.

The “everyday” “around the way” cookie

The barely there cookie,

The cookie that gives as good as it gets.

The “love you down” cookie, the one you won’t forget.

The “hard to keep to yourself” cookie, eat them until there’s none left cookie.

The “no one knows you’re around” cookie.

You Only Live Once cookie that one comes with a kiss.

The “feel like I can do anything” cookie is pure bliss.

After a long day cookie, the “make all the pain go away” cookie.

The “sweet all by itself” cookie,

“I need a little help” cookie.

The “you can’t wait to get it” cookie.

The rare, hard to find, one of a kind cookie.

The make you “think twice” cookie,

The “ain’t nothing nice” cookie.

Black and White cookies.

Middle of the night cookies.

The “make you hurry home” cookie.

Cookies with a little milk, cookies with a side of guilt.

Cookies that come with their own sauce.

Yes, we love the cookie

and here we are reminiscing over all the cookies we’ve had, but lost.

MG Hardie

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Recently legendary Brian McKnight released a preview of his song “If you’re ready to learn”, from an upcoming Adult mixtape. Yes an Adult mixtape, filled with highly sexualized music tracks. Now remember I said “Adult”, here are the lyrics:

Every time you give it up, you leave so unsatisfied.

Pointing the finger, the feelings that linger, leave you asking the question Why?

They talk a real good game, but they don’t know what a tongue is for.

They wine you and dine you, you let him untie you and you leave wanting more.

I did my post-grad in pussyology, so what I tell you might seem strange.

The things you don’t know about your physiology, you don’t have to be ashamed.

Chorus

Let meeee show you have your pussy works, since you didn’t bring it to me first.

I have lots of things to show you, if you’re ready to learn.

Let meeee show you have your pussy work, I becha didn’t know that it could squirt.

I have lots of things to show you, if you’re ready to learn.

I don’t know if drugs, alcohol or crying were involved in the making of this song, but I do know that Brian McKnight, even with such a haunting chorus as this, will now never get a Grammy. I wouldn’t call this a comeback, but it is hilarious and or his newly leaked “Anal” song is a bit disturbing. It’s a huge leap for the Brian McKnight who moved us with great songs like, “One Last Cry” , “Anytime”, “Back at One”  and “Still” to be happily singing about the Vajayjay. I’ll be the first to say that men do think and say that they can show women how their p*ssy works and most of them have no idea how to use their tongues, but here it just seems tacky.  Many women don’t know their physiology, allow dudes “hit” far too quick and are are partially to blame for not being satisfied, so the topic is worth discussing, but in heavy rotation on an R&B song… Crooners and real singers are gone from R&B, replaced by talented well produced entertainers. R&B songs are all sexual, most of the emotion and soulfulness is gone. R&B purest complain about the electro-club-rap-pop feel of the songs, just as much as they question who isn’t or who is R&B?

Questions remain…Adele, Drake and Rihanna are they R&B, or just pop? Rhythm and Blues once connected with us emotionally, not just sexually. Much of what passes for R&B played on the radio has lost it’s soul. When Drake sings with emotion, he gets air-time, but by-in-large he gets hated on, is the public is saying “We don’t want to feel anymore”?  Usher’s new song “Climax” which gives the genre a much needed soulfulness, usually gets played with sped up techno-club track behind it. As singer/songwriter The Dream recently noted “What’s crazy is that blacks can’t do soul records any more, we love Adele singing it, but Beyoncé singing it? No, the tempo’s too slow, gimme the club hit. Now the blacks in America are responsible for the pop records, and everybody else is singing soulful records. It’s weird to me.” The Dreams’ comments indicate an even deeper discussion about why R&B is in the midst of an identity crisis.

Are we ready for these type of R&B songs?

MG Hardie

Think Like a Man would appear to be a movie for women, but it’s for men. It is not one of those movies made for women and if the men come alone that’s fine. This movie is about different stages in relationships and gender development, how we look at each other and ourselves. Directed by Tim Story and narrated by Kevin Hart. The movie gives ample screen time to the cast of Jerry Ferrara, Megan Good, Kevin Hart, Michael Ealy, Regina Hall, Kevin Hart, Taraji P Henson, Gabrielle Union, Romany Malco, and intermixes commentary from Steve Harvey.

Trailers for movies often say that they have something in them for everybody; this is the one movie that actually delivers. This movie is about dating and relationships, pure and simple, the audience is treated or not to varied archetypes the Player, The Mamma Boy, The Girl Who Wants the Ring,  The Woman Who Is Her Own Man, etc. Apart from some familiar scenarios (to many men), the movie manages to not only peg the psyche of men, but women as well. Yet somehow in between the gags, comedy, double narration, product placement and drama you manage to see bits and pieces of yourself, your partner or a friend that you can laugh at from a safe distance, that’s when the movie has you invested.

Steve Harvey’s book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, provides the ladies with a rule book of how men think and the game is afoot, once the men find out that their relationships are now being driven by Steve’s book, they plan to turn the tables on the women…basically they plan to pretend to be what the women want only to get what they want. There are plenty of lines for women to be upset about, and a lot of dumb situations men won’t appreciate and some of the premises are manipulative, insincere, in fact they are all pretty shallow, the problem– this is how people really behave and think.

Director Tim Story is to be commended for managing multiple the story-lines and showing each African-American characters as desirable. Not only are the actresses beautiful, sexy and amazingly bright, watching the film you can tell they actually like their roles and that translates on screen. The characters engage us with their hopes, dreams, failing and triumphs, in parts the film is almost magical as the characters often light up the screen. Kevin Hart’s comedic genius is on full display, but so is the subtle humor of Bennett “The Happily Married Man”, I have no idea why commercials for this movie didn’t really plug the substantial presence of the white characters. The film is a tad long, over-narrated and the mamma’s boy story gets drawn out, yet it is arguably the best romantic comedies ever made. The way the male characters played off of one another, how they played basketball (one horribly), how they hilariously talked about their problems, the way they bonded over their women troubles even the various male archetypes reminded me of another book “It Ain’t Just the Size”, but let’s not go there.

The soundtrack is excellent. The casting choices are perfect, except LaLa Vasquez. Each of these four relationship is uniquely different, well because people are, I just don’t understand how Kristen could have gotten rid of Jeremy’s Voltron Lion figure masterpiece… but I digress. The movie is not about how to find true love or even being in a healthy relationship; ultimately, Think Like a Man is about being real, not just with your partner, but more importantly with yourself. Think Like a Man manages to accomplish what Tyler Perry’s movies have never been able to …bring men and women together.

8.5/10

MG Hardie’s  “It Ain’t Just the Size”, is thought-provoking book in which the female characters provide much spice. Hardie’s book is now featured on Afro-Editions.

“It Ain’t Just The Size” is the type of book that has people talking, not just about the love story, but because it doles out an amazing amount of life lessons. Hardie’s book is full of honest conversations, depth and passionate writing. “It Ain’t Just The Size”  is just as bold as it gets when confronting real world problems, as it is when giving solutions to many of America’s problems and at the same time the book has a solid love story. The books presentation of social and political issues does not detract from the love story between characters Lance and Princess.  “It Ain’t Just The Size” represents a new literary frontier with its style and diversity of characters from: men, lesbians, blacks, Hispanics and especially women all blended together with Hardie’s poetic dialogue. Hardie’s book is the featured book this month on Afro-Editions.com features. Afro-Editions.com represents timely information on all aspects of Black Literature.

MG Hardie will also be in attendance from 1-5pm at the 3rd Annual Authors Festival in Long Beach on April 2, 2011. The festival is free to the public and will feature over 20 authors

http://mghardie.com/

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